CD 6

I'm clearly feeling pains...right around where my O pains would be...weird...I don't think it's O pains...I don't see how that is possible...to O on CD 6 after not Oing till CD 50 whatever!!! UGH...

Either way...DH and I are BDing every second day...we have already started...(sorry TMI)

On another note...my dad is a hero...(sorry to all of the animal lovers)

If you are an animal lover...please be warned...you may not want to read beyond this point...there was no other way to deal with the situation, and I feel my dad did the best thing he could do.

I got an e-mail from my mom this morning...My neighbor (who is in her late 70's) and lives alone with her husband (that is even older, and fairly crippled up) was attacked by two pit bull dogs. She was taken to hospital and thankfully only required a few stitches in her face, and also had some cuts that didn't require stitches...My dad heard the noise from the shop (he is a mechanic, and his machanic shop is located on the land next to my parents house) He saw what was happening ran into the house to get my mom to call 911, and grabbed his gun. (They live in a small town, and my dad likes to deer hung, again sorry for the animal lovers, I am also an animal lover, but do enjoy eating deer meat as well, it was a large part of our winter meals, when times were tough) He got the dogs away from my neighbor, in the mean time, mom started calling families in the area with small children urgeing them NOT to let their kids leave for school, till the situation was under control. Being as we are in a small town (and my dad is the animal control officer) because the dogs were attacking humans, he had no choice but to stop the dogs with force. :( My dad was scheduled to be out of town on a service call, but had not left yet...and I think God that he was. The neighbor on the other side of their neighbor is also a single woman, in her late 70's. (again it is a small town where most of the people are older.) The police arrived 45 minutes later (another down side to living in small town Manitoba)

I found out after the fact that this is not the first time these dogs have attacked...last year, they attacked and killed a black lab that happened to wander into their yard.

The police shook my dad's had, as well as many others from the community. I am not usually one to encourage the killing of "pets" but these dogs were clearly dangerous.

My neighbor is doing ok...her husband and her are both fairly traumatised. (Her husband could hear her yelling for him to help her, but couldn't get to the door, and even if he could, there was really nothing he woudl be able to do.) Please remember them in your thoughts and prayers.

CD 5

A new cycle...you think that I would be so excited to be starting a new cycle...and having my specialist appointment in 6 days...but I'm not...I'm feeling quite down.

I enjoy my walks to work and back every day...but it gives me WAY too much time to think. To think of what could be...to think of what could not be. I am so ready for a baby...I debated on just doing it when the urge hit me, and seeing what happens with DH, but I want to keep temping so that I can give it to the fertility people, so they can see that I am TRYING to time things properly, and I am trying to get things going to where I need them to be, and I am trying to get pregnant...maybe trying too hard? Is there such a thing as trying too hard? I know that everything happens for a reason, and God has the perfect timing for everything, but when the heck is it MY time? My DH and I are in a solid relationship, I think we are doing quite well for ourselves...we are getting things done...getting our house in order, and still managing to save money. We work hard all the time, and we both have so much love for eachother, but still have enough to give out to a baby. (or two, or three, or four) Ok, maybe I'm going too far with four. LOL

And I also wonder...I have given up a lot to try to have a baby...(I guess I haven't totally given up) but have cut way back on my caffeine. I only have one cup of half caff every day, and have tried to cut down on my chocolate intake (cause that is also caffeine) I was not a smoker...I wasn't a huge drinker, but now only drink during AF (cause lets face it...we all need a little pick me up at that time) I have been trying to eat better, I am even trying to get my body in better shape so that it is ready to carry a baby...and yet, there are people who give up nothing (even after they are pregnant) and continue to smoke and do things they shouldn't do, but THEY have no problem having kids. Not that I would do that, because I wouldn't want to endanger the health of my child...but it makes me think, and it makes me wonder. How is God being fair in those situations. On one of the board in JM it talks about a mom whose kids are so sick because they are neglected, and she is a drug addict, and she has two kids...how is that fair? She doesn't even want her kids cause they are "sick all the time" and is trying to have her mom take care of them. (even though, I definately think that is definately the best for those kids) I have to wonder...how that's fair. There are tons of ladies, not just myself on JM that would be amazing mom's yet, they can't get PG...there is one girl there, that has been trying for like 3 years...3 YEARS!!! I can't even fathom. :(

Sigh...anyway, that is my rant for the day I really needed to get it off my chest. :( Sorry for being a Debbie Downer. :(

Not Feeling Well

I'm not sure if I'm in for a doosie of a AF or what is going on, but I feel like CRAP!!!

I'm super bloated...I still feel nauseous, it's just not a good day.

I am preparing myself for AF...I find it curious that my temp is going down already, since AF is not due till Monday...but I guess that's how it goes some times...I was told my LP should always be about the same length, so 14 days takes me to Monday...I just wonder (and trying not to get my hopes up, but my mind already knows I'm not PG and I still feel sick??) But maybe you can have a two day dip??

What am I thinking, that's just plain silly...LOL

Anyway...on the plus side...I walked to work again today...my left thigh is still hurting me a bit, but it is getting better!!!

I think maybe all the pain is just AF coming early...is it bad if your LP changes lengths??

Attempting to distract myself...

Ok...so it's now 7 DPO...I never thought I would get to this point...lol...I thought I would be in the never ending cycle forever!! LOL...

I am trying really hard not to get my hopes up...because I don't think that I am PG...but of course...FF gave me a HIGH chance of being PG...and I have been feeling super emotional and tired...and so I am trying to distract myself because I refuse to test unless AF doesn't show...and that isn't till next Monday...YIKES...that's a whole 7 days from now...I just want to get started on a new cycle. :)

So what can I do to distract myself...??? I have no idea...lol...

I have an Epicure party on Wednesday, so that will be good for then...and I will need to do some cleaning tomorrow night for the party, so that will be good for tomorrow night, so I guess I just have to get through tonight, and then I will be a.o.k...until after Wednesday, and then it's back to WAY too much time on my hands. LOL...

Anyway, that's about it...:)

A huge weight has been lifted off!!!!

I just got the most exciting phone call I have gotten in a long time. I got a call from the fertility clinic...they had a cancellation...we go in for our appointment May 4th. I had two choices, May 4th, or tomorrow.

I picked May 4th for a couple of reasons...

# 1 - I should know what this cycle is doing by then...if anything

# 2 - There are some guys away at my work, so to try and go tomorrow would be hard

Just having the appointment, I feel so relieved, I feel so much better...even knowing that it doesn't mean that they will find the problem right away, or anything like that, but maybe, just maybe, I can finally get some answers...(and if this cycle hasn't finished by then, then they should be able to give me something to be able to make AF start so I have another chance...) I hope the girls on JM are right though, and the two higher temperatures means that I have O'd. 19 more sleeps till my appointment.

It's strange how one phone call, can change your outlook so much, and take your depressed mood, and make it more managable. It still sucks, cause I was hoping for a BFP before the specialist appointment, but I also thought the earliest I would get in was going to be July!!! YIPPEE!!!

Super Scared...

I am absolutely terrified to wake up and temp tomorrow. I am so scared my temp is going to go back down. I am so worried that I am going to wake up and is going to plumment again tomorrow...That I'm going to go back to square one...but the EWCM is gone...and the O pains are gone, I'm pretty sure they were O pains anyway...and my temp was up this morning...the highest it has been since I got my BBT. But I'm still terrified...and I think if I don't get my fears down somewhere then I don't think I will be able to sleep, and that in itself will mess up my temps.

Thought #1...what am I going to do if my temp is down?

• see if there is a reason for it to be down
• try not to get too bummed out
• call my dr...there has to be something we can do to get this show on the road. :(
• think about calling the fertility clinic...again
• have a small pity party to myself this morning breifly before DH gets up?

Thought #2...what am I going to do if my temp is up?

• have a small party to myself before DH wakes up, and then share with him later, because he has been taking a lot larger interest in me getting pg than he has before. (not that he wasn't taking part...he has just started asking more questions...trying to get to know my body...see if he can help me in any way that he can.)
• try to decide what I can do to hopefully not have this happen again. (continue walking and losing weight)
• Decide if I am going to take EPRO next cycle...because even though I am unsure if that is why this took so long, it's the only thing I did different this cycle and I have to consider that.

Thought #3...am I really ok it's not going to happen this cycle...or am I going to get a small peice of false hope if my temp does stay up.

This is the big one.

But I think I'm ok...I'm not expecting it if my temp does stay up. There was just way too much stress involved in this cycle...I'm already over the year mark...I'm already over the possibility of having a baby in 2009...I think it will be ok...I am just glad that if it does stay up, it has to stay up just one more day...and then I have my CH.

Wish me luck.

Day 54...

I am starting not to read my blog cause it is getting so depressing. I will not post on JM anymore in my journal about negative things...I feel like my journal is beginning to be a drag to some people, and I don't even think they look at it anymore. I don't even want to look at it anymore, but somehow, I have to get my feelings out...and I'm sure my small following of the three, don't mind if I get some things off my chest.

I was feeling very positive about yesterday...I am no longer feeling as positive. I had a VERY close to positive OPK...the darkest I've ever seen one turn with my urine...and then today...barely even a line...sigh...My body geared up, only to let me down yet again...I haven't lost total hope mind you...I guess techincally, I could have O'd today, and then I wouldn't have much of a surge today....All I can do is hope...pray...pray with all my might that tomorrow...I have a temp rise...it doesn't have to be much...just enough, three days in a row so that I can get CH so I can finally see an end in sight.

A light at the end of the tunnel...

I took an OPK today...I figured if I missed a cycle...then technically in the next couple of days here, I should be Oing...(I don't know if it is normal to miss cycles...but I'm not focusing on that one A.T.M (at the moment) I got probably the closest thing to a +'ive OPK I have ever gotten...it was pretty darn dark...and that gives me hope...I'm hoping not false hope...because of the EWCM DH and I have been BDing as much as possible...I'm hoping that I O in the next couple of days before DH gets too tired...or that the EWCM would go away to stop giving me false hope. Keep your fingers crossed for me...even if I miss the eggie...at least I will O and be able to have a fresh new start...I am trying to determine if I should quit the evening primerose, since it is the only thing that I have done different in this cycle, and it seems to be taking a long time for O to come....I really hope that this is it...that my body would do something...anything...let me know it's still alive in there. I will keep you posted...

Should Clarify my last post

I am very happy for my friend that got PG without trying...:) I am happy she is going to be a mom...but I was just having a pity party for me. :)

Oops...someone did it again...

I just found out that another friend of mine is pregnant by accident. They weren't even trying. :( sigh...what a sh***y week.

CD 50.....AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

I just want to scream.

I want to sit here at my computer and just scream at the top of my lungs until I O or AF comes...and then I want to cry.

I am tired of being positive...I am tired of being patient, I am tired of my stupid Dr. that won't do a blessed thing for me...and I am tired of waiting for the stupid fertility clinic to get back to me...(going on two months now since the referal) I'm just tired.

I've been lurking on JM, but not commenting...not posting...it's just too depressing...everyone is moving forward, and I'm stuck. I'm stuck in limbo, not knowing when (or if) I'm going to O, or when AF is going to decide that she wants to finally show up. Don't take it the wrong way, I am still checking in on my girls...and am definately hoping for the best for them, but when the roll call comes, and the only thing that has changed for me is that I am now at CD 50 instead of CD 30, it's depressing.

I checked my cervix today, and it was hard. I'm hoping that that means that AF will be here soon...I was so sure I was going to O yesterday. I was sure I was having O pains...I have never been so sure of anything in my life...but then this morning, my temp was lower, not higher, and now my cervix is hard. Why the heck won't my ovaries let my little eggies go? These pains were on my right side, and close to when I was supposed to O at my normal time, I thought I was having O pains on my left side. Maybe I don't even know what O pains feel like. That's my rant for today...I wish I had more positive things to say...

I have walked to work 3 of the 4 days of work this week though...:) That's something positive. I just hope I stop getting shin splints soon.

A Good Idea!!!

This was sent to me on my e-mail...seems like a good idea to me. ;) Chocolate Cake at our finger tips...any time of the day or month. ;)

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE

4 tablespoons flour

4 tablespoons sugar

2 tablespoons cocoa

1 egg

3 tablespoons milk

3 tablespoons oil

3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)

A small splash of vanilla extract

1 large coffee mug

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well.

Add the egg and mix thoroughly.

Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.

Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again. Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.

The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!

Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.EAT! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).

And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world ?

Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!

Scrap Booking this Weekend

I had a really great weekend Scrapbooking with my mom and aunt and my aunt's friends. :) We had a blast, we did some swimming, some shopping, and of course lots of visiting and laughing...it was a little much to scrap book for an entire weekend...I have never done that before, but it was fun, and mom had fun too, and the important thing is that we had fun together. :) I am going to try to post the pictures on my blog, but since I haven't done this before, I'm not sure how it will work....
I scrap booked the honeymoon, and started to scrap book our trip to BC...no worries...the honeymoon is G rated. ;) The pictures aren't that clear, but you will get the general idea..I'm not the greatest Scrap booker, but I sure try...and I have fun at it. :)
This is obviously the first page of the honey moon...It has our wedding date, and the words you can't see says...two hearts, two lives, join together in one love. :) That was the veiw off our balcony.
It was sunny and snowed...the two squares on the left, one has a K (for my DH's name) and an M (for my name) This page is just of things we saw on our honey moon that we thought were neat...It's not exciting, but it reminds me of the week. The heart is made out of sand left over from our sand ceremony, and the flower is made out of the flowers my flower girl threw down the aisle as I walked down it. :)
This last page is my favorite of the pages I did for our honey moon. I have two very nice sunsets, and some pictures a friend of ours took for us when they came on the last day. What you can't see in the top right hand corner is a verse...it says...

I love you not only for what you are
But for what I am when I am with you
I love you not only for what you have made of yourself
But for what you are making of me.
I love you for that part in me you bring out.
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

This entry is really long...I think I will post the BC scrap booking pages later. :) I may be doing more of it lately, maybe this long weekend...to try and keep my mind off my never ending cycle...

Did I mention I am at CD 47...(a record I'm sure) I'm two weeks late, with no sign of O or AF...I thought she was going to come this weekend...but nope...she didn't...:( I am just going to try and wait a bit longer...and then I will go see my dr, and see if he can maybe help with that.

Later!!