When they just don't know...:(

It was my friends birthday today. 25th...(I have such young friends) lol She is PG, so didn't want to do anything huge. We went to Red Lobster for supper (by the way...SSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOO yummy) and then went to Tavern United. I didn't drink anything, and we were have a converstaion about getting pregnant. We were all talking about ways to get pregnant...one other friend of ours was there and my friend and I were both talking to her about stuff to do and stuff..and I know she didn't mean it mean or nasty, but it stung. Like a thousand little daggers digging deep into my heart...I even teared up a bit...but suppressed the quickly (I'm such a suck) She said...well you haven't been able to get pregnant yet, I think I'll listen to the one that has gotten pregnant twice. :( She is not a mean person. I knew she didn't mean it that way, but man...did it hurt. I just wanted to scream at her...IT'S NOT MY FAULT!! But I didn't. Having fertility problems is not something you want to yell from the rooftops. It's so hard when they don't know. It definately makes me think twice before saying things like that to people...because I know just how tough it can be. :(

But what do you say to these people...how do you deal with them...how do you stop it from making you feel like you are such a failure at something that is supposedly supposed to be so easy??? It makes me want this to be it even more...but I'm just not feeling it...except for the high temps...I have nothing to go on. Unless hot flashes are suddenly a prego symptom!! LOL

Metformin is working!!

Well I definately think the metformin is working. I have never had such high post O temps...YIPPEE...I hope that that will be followed by a nice long period..(I need to have a longer one to really know that the met is working, and I'm getting a proper lining) (I guess maybe I should be careful what I wish for) And then next cycle I can start Fermara...definately on the right track to getting a BFP. I am probably going to test on Saturday, just to be sure...because we are taking a friend of mine's step brother (he has downs syndrome) but loves to dance, and turned 18 in February. I will probably want to have one drink, so I will want to make sure that I am not PG. (even though, I'm 99.9% sure I'm not...better safe than sorry)

Anyway...here's to hoping I get more high temps...:)

Frustrations

My blog is so boring...it seems like I have three of four good posts...and then complain, complain complain. I am so sorry girls. But I am yet again...FRUSTRATED.

I am trying to figure out how to get my fertility friend chart on my blog, but it doesn't seem to like me...so it hasn't been working. None the less...It's CD 27, and still no O in sight. I am so frustrated that I have to suffer through another LONG cycle before I can finally kick my body into shape. Anyway, some of the JM girls suggested that I go back to my dr. and ask for a Presciption for Provera...which would be awesome...but we are kinda strapped for cash right now. My pills were very expensive already, and we just bought a new shed.

We wouldn't be so strapped but about a month ago we loaned his cousin some money. She had a Still born birth (actually there is a little more to it than that, but a little too graphic for a blog) Unfortunately here, with a still born, because there is technically no heart beat, here in Canada they say, there was no baby. :( She couldn't go back to work, because they had to do an emergency C section, and was cut both ways. (vertically on the outside, horizontally on her uterus) She isn't even sure if she can still have kids. :( Needless to say, she got no compensation, and he only works in the summer time guiding up north for fishing. :( They were super strapped, and so we loaned them money. They will be paying us back in a couple of weeks, but in the mean time...we have to deal with what we have. :(

Unfortunately Provera is just not in the cards right now, so I just have to wait it out. And that's frustrating for me. :( Another 60 day cycle...sigh...

Anyway, sorry about the rant...AGAIN...I'm sure things will get better once I ovulate like a normal person, and I start the Fermara. At this point, I'm worried there is something wrong with one of my ovaries, and that's why I only Ovulate every second time. :(

I cheated...

I had a peice of chocolate today...I was feeling down...I needed a pick me up...it was just one hersey kiss...I was feeling like I gave up all these things, and have gotten nothing in return...I know, it's only been two weeks, give it some time...but I cheated...there you know. :)

I am a horrible person...

I love my JM girls...and I am so happy for all of them that have gotten their BFP, but I tried today, I really did to go on the graduates board...and look at some pictures, and try to feel happy for people, but I just can't...I broke down in tears. :( I really wish this stupid Metformin would stop messing with my hormones (but I guess that's what it's supposed to do right??) I am so happy for them, cause I know lots of them were trying a really long time, like me...but I'm so sad for me...(what a pathetic pity party...:( ) I should be able to look at pictures of other peoples babies, and be happy for them. I should be able to hang out with one of my very good friends, and not feel sad when I get home. She's pregnant with my nephew...and man, am I gonna love that little boy with ALL my heart...but I still feel sad. UGH...

Ok, I have to stop now...cause this is just making it worse...I'm sorry. :(

I'm sure most of this is in response to FF taking away my CH today...:( It just makes me feel like this cycle is NEVER going to end...

Five Times...

That's how many times I cried today. :( TTC is making me a complete emotional basket case. :(

It all started this morning...I couldn't find my Ipod...:( It was a first anniversary present from my DH (that was only two months ago, btw) and I was sure I had lost it. I went crazy...I was in tears...:( Like not just a little but like crazy upset that I had lost this little Ipod, and was sure it was gone forever. (On a side note, I found it after work...thank God!!)

Then I got to work, thinking it might be there, and it wasn't, so I started to feel bad again...and was crying at work, while I'm trying to be professional, and the big boss man was still at our work, and I have like glassy eyes...cause I'm on the verge of tears for most of the morning.

Then I get home, and I'm talking to DH about something, and he doesn't even really get upset with me, but disagrees with something I said, (and it was like super small, not even worth mentioning on a normal day) and I start crying...

And then there is one show that I watch...Grey's Anatomy, and I end up crying like three times in that (Ok, so maybe I cried six times)

I'm not saying I haven't always been an emotional person...cause I am pretty emotional. I always wear my feelings right out there on my sleeve for all to see. But to cry pretty much all day. I don't know if it is the anticipation of this being as long of a cycle as last cycle...or my fear that even though I have only been on the Metformin for a week and a half, it still doesn't seem to be doing ANYTHING for my body, that maybe PCOS isn't my REAL problem? I mean really...he didn't do ANY real tests. He just looked at me...looked at my chart and said...YEP, I think you have PCOS, and the chances of you having that and Endometriosis, even though my mom had it AND my grandma had it is slim. Maybe it's just the Met itself (is emotional one of the side effects??) I just don't know what to do or thing or anything anymore.

One more high temp and I get CH...but my prodiction is...tomorrow, my temp will be around 97.8. Seems to be a pattern.

CD 18

I'm not a patient person...I'm not going to lie about that...I try to be patient, and I'm patient when it comes to certain things...kids...(dealing with them I mean) patient...husband...patient (most of the time) family...patient...again most of the time...but waiting to O, or waiting for my body to smarten the heck up...NOT PATIENT!!!

I know that I have only been taking the metformin for one week, but I really think that something should have happened by now. :( I know, I know, I just have to be patient...I just want to get on to the next cycle when I'm pretty sure I'll actually O with the medical assistance. :(

Anyway, that's my complaint for the day!!!

Feeling Down

CD 15...

So, it's cycle day 15, and the one cycle that I charted that I had "normal" temps, my temp dropped drastically this day...today, it shot right up. :( I'm not sure why it would do this...I find it quite frustrating actually, especially since I started taking Metformin (mind you I did only start it four days ago, and I am on a very low dosage right now) but I was sure it would help...but it doesn't seem to be. It has made me super thirsty...(which of course is throwing off any possible OPK's I may have because my urine is SUPER diluted, it's like clear) It's like learning how to TTC again when you add a med.

On the plus side, my mom and dad will be in this weekend, and it promises to be a fun weekend. Garage saling with Mom tomorrow, and then supper at chop for Dad's birthday (his birthday is on Mothers day this year) It's gonna be a good weekend. I'm going to have to really practice will power since my dad loves to SNACK so I know there will be snacky things in the house this weekend. I'm really gonna have to use every ounce of strength that I have!!!!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Mothers Day!!!

Our Appointment

First of...I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my Dr. He is very proactive...and very knowledgable, and very informative.

My Dr. is 90% sure I have PCOS...Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

I am not 100% sure I remember exactly what he said about it, so I am going to do a lot more reading up on it...to remind myself of what he said. I do know that it has to do with my insulin. I produce too much insulin...and this in turn causes the ovaries to produce higher levels of androgens. (male hormones) We all have some male hormones, I just have more. This in turn has caused my very irragular periods, and ovulations.

He has prescribed me two different meds. Metformin, to try to regulate my insulin. I have started taked a half a tablet twice daily with food. Next week I will increase it to half a tablet three times daily with food. Then after that I increase it to the actual dosage which is three full tablets three times daily.

I also have been prescribed Femara. The more comman medication of this type is Clomid. It is to help me ovulate, and ovulate properly.

So the plan for now is...take the Metformin till I start a new cycle (if I start a new cycle...I'm not counting myself out this cycle yet...there should still be an O at some point, and I will do my best to catch that eggie) Then CD 1 next cycle, I'm to call the clinic, and try to schedule an HSG. A Hysterosalpingogram, which is an xray test that examines the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and surrounding area. He said that it might take a couple of cycles before I get in for this test, since there is a line up for it. On CD 2 I then have to go and get a bunch of blood drawn so they can take a bunch of tests and see how all my levels are. On CD 3 - 7 I take the Femara, I should ovulate 5-10 days after that. On CD 22 I go for another test to test my Progesterone. If all goes well, my Progesterone results will be good, and I ovulated, and could possibly be pregnant. :) I know the chances of it happening that fast is slim, but this definately give me hope.

I have a lot of hope that I will get a big fat positive in 2009, and have a baby in 2010. I am very excited for what the next cycles have to bring, and I continue to pray that this will be all that I need to fix the problems that I have. I will definately keep you all updated!!!!

CD 10

Specialist appointment tomorrow...I'm excited and nervous as I previously said.

I'm going to ask him about FF and the charts...I'm going to ask him if it is accurate when it gives you CH, or if we should keep BDing...once I get the temp rise...I'm bad for not BDing anymore, because I already O'd...what's the point...so to speak. I am NOT doing that this cycle. I'm going to ask him about my super long cycle...and my nervousness that this will also be a super long cycle. Although, I'm trying not to think about it too much, only because if I think about it, it is bound to delay it. I'm going to ask him about Provera, and Clomid. And I'm going to try to get some answers. I am going to explain to him my fears about Endometriosis...and how my mom AND my grandmother had it. I am going to ask him about weak eggies, and weak O's...I am going to see if I can get a progesterone test lined up, to see how stong my O actually is.

I am just a bundle of nerves, and DH seems to be just taking everything with a grain of salt, and letting it run off his back (so to speak) I'm assuming because he is pretty sure he is ok...(the only thing that was questionable was the amount of "normal" sperm) so it has to be me...and I guess that's what is making me so nervous.

On the other side of things, I am trying not to think about it by keeping busy, and this weekend was not an exception. I started to pull out the virgina creeper that has been growing on my fence. I just don't like it, and I think it is so ugly, I had to get rid of it.


I forgot to take a picture before I started, so this is part way done...you can see all the vines sitting on the grass.

I was totally shocked to discover how large the roots are...those are the big ones at the top...they went way down, and even across my yard...it was crazy!!!


This is it all cleaned up...there are still a few roots that I am sure I will have to do a couple of rounds of round up too, but I will nip it in the bud early...I'm sure it will be a constant battle for a while, but eventually, I WILL WIN!!! :)

That's about it...I'm a little sore today from trying to dig that silly thing out, but not bad...no pain no gain. Walking to work again tomorrow...trying for another three day week of walking. I lost the two pounds I was so upset about gaining early last week, so that's good, now I just need to lose more. :)