Waiting on the Witch!!

I'm just waiting on the witch...I am 10 DPO today, and I am pretty sure the witch is going to rear her ugly head soon...(I really hope she does anyway, I'm ready to get back to trying) I had some spotting yesterday, so I'm not sure why that is...it's not something that I usually have, but with the MC, I am not surprised when anything happens...the main thing that I'm worried about is that I didn't O, and it really was me just having a fever for a few days, and then yesterday when my temp dropped the fever broke?? Again, simply speculation...and just me talking out loud.

I also found the perfect tattoo to remember my angel baby!! I have been planning on getting a tattoo for years, but couldn't totally decide what I may want permenantly. Well I have decided!!!



I am going to be doing a combination of the two pictures!! But I am so excited to be getting it...I just have to find out how much it would cost and save the money now, and then I'm good to go!! So excited...I just have to decide if I want to put it over my uterus after my babies are born, or if I am going to put it on the bottom of my back. I don't necessarily want it in a place everyone is going to see it, because it's just for me and baby J!! Oh, and I want to put a J in it somewhere.

Hope all is well with everyone!!

August 26, 2009

It has been just over a month since my loss. I have been doing ok. NTNP sucks!!! LOL...although, I'm doing more NT than NP because I really did not want to get pregnant this cycle. Weird for me to say, I know...but I just needed to give my body a rest and a break!! PLUS, I go to see the fertility dr. again on the 2nd of September, and I hope that he will let me know if he still wants to run all the original tests, and perhaps we can find something out from there. AND I wanted to try a cycle with the fermara, so that I O earlier on in the cycle. I have heard that the chance of MC is slightly higher when you O later on in your cycle...and I didn't O till CD 29 again, so was glad that we didn't try, cause that is just one day before I did last time. I don't know if I could bear to go through another loss, so wanted to do whatever it was in my power NOT to have that happen!!

I am not 5 DPO, and looking forward with happiness that soon I will be TTC again, and even though I will not be doing it the way that I wanted, and will be doing it with MA...it's a means to getting my little bundle of joy that I so want.

Things that irritate me...I found out last week (when I was visiting my brother and my adorable new neice) that a boy that I used to babysit is DAYS away from having an oopsie baby. :( How is that fair...without even trying, it just happens, and STICKS??!!! sigh...a means to an end, a means to an end...

On a bit of a sadder note...I seem to have some sort of eye infection...:( boo erns...:( I have antibiotic eye drops, and I hope that it goes away soon...I am currently doing everything one eyed...cause I didn't wear my contact in the eye that has the infection, which makes sense...

Anyway, after not writting for a month, I guess that's good!! Hope everyone is doing well...wish me luck cause in about 9 days, I can get back to TTC!!! YIPPEE!!!

Heartbroken

I know I haven't updated in a while...and for those of you that are still following, I wanted to let you know, that I lost my baby. DH and I are both fairly devastated, and don't understand. We are taking it day by day.

It's been a while...almost a month...WOW!!

Hey there...sorry it has been so long since I have updated my blog...the past month has been just nuts!! Shortly after I posted the last post in my blog, I headed to the emergency room, because I was having some spotting. The ER doctor there looked me over, and said that everything looked fine, but wanted me to get an ultra sound done on the Monday. So I went in on the Monday, and got the ultra sound in, happy cause everything seemed fine, but when they did the ultra sound, all they could see was the yolk sac. ???? HUH ???? I should have been about 6 weeks I thought at that point, so I started to feel concerned again. :( I wasn't sure what had happened...so they took and beta HCG blood test, and told me to go to my regular Dr. to get a second one drawn in 48 hours. So I did. My first one was 5074 my second one was 6717. I was told by the ER doctor, that the numbers should double, so again, I was devastated. :( They didn't double, so I was sure that I was losing my baby bean.

I finally had my Dr. call my OBGYN (she doesn't take calls from patients, and he wasn't 100% sure if they were to double or not) My OBGYN was not concerned about the increase, and said that it was satisfactory. :) YIPPEE...Marci is happy again!!! Then the spotting started again. :( and continued on and off for all of last week. I again, wasn't sure what to think, because it was such a long stretch of spotting.

Well last Friday I had a second ultra sound done, and it was the most amazing thing. I will post pictures later, as I don't have them at work, but we got to SEE the heart beat, it was 188 bpm, and we got a couple of pictures. (S)he looks like a little gummi bear, so cute!!! I am still continuing cautiously, but should know next Monday exactly when my due date is. At the ultra sound I was measuring about 8 wks 2 days, which would make me 8 wks 6 days today...9 wks tomorrow...which means there is only four more weeks before I am past my first tri mester!! For those of you that are following me from JM thanks so much for your continued support, both on my blog and on JM...and thanks for all my other followers, I will try to keep you updated better.

It's been a while...

I know it has been a while since I have blogged...and I think it's just because I have been hesitant to share my news...and it seems as though my TTC blog will now be changed to a pregnancy blog...

That's right....

I'M PREGNANT!!!

It is still very very early!!! (I'm only around 5 or 6 weeks...) but it feels good to be pregnant none the less. I can't believe after 14 months, it finally worked. I have to say, that I'm 100% sure it was the metformin. It helped my hormone levels...it made my lining thicken properly...it definately helped egg meet sperm, and egg implant.

I have to take the metformin for at least the first trimester...but I am a little nervous to go off of it after that...but I will see what the OB says.

Anyway, now you know my news...anyone know how to change the title of my blog??

Thanks so much for sticking it out with me girls...I hope that you choose to follow still when it is a pregnancy blog...I know it can be difficult some times. :)

June 1st

I realize that this is a TTC blog...but I do require a moment to belly ache about the weather. We are having March/April temperatures in June???!!! Today is June 1st, and our expected high is + 18 degrees celcius. (for my American followers that is about 68 degrees F.) HUH!!! Are you kidding me??? We have had I think two days over +20 (that's about 74 degrees F) NOT warm enough for summer temperatures. And rain...rain like you wouldn't believe. I'm beginning to think we should make sure our fishing boat is ready to go, just in case it is required to get to work one of these days. The mesquito's here are going to be NUTS!! No kidding.

My belly ache about this is we continually see in the news global warming, global warming is getting worse...the world is getting hotter...blah blah blah...my question...ok...if we are getting warmer, then where the heck is the warm weather!!!??? It's hiding apparently, and I am begining to doubt that global warming even exisists.

On the TTC front...I'm expecting AF any day now. Even though my temp went up this morning, I'm counting it as a fluke, and will be prepared tomorrow with grannie panties, and supplies. :)

When they just don't know...:(

It was my friends birthday today. 25th...(I have such young friends) lol She is PG, so didn't want to do anything huge. We went to Red Lobster for supper (by the way...SSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOO yummy) and then went to Tavern United. I didn't drink anything, and we were have a converstaion about getting pregnant. We were all talking about ways to get pregnant...one other friend of ours was there and my friend and I were both talking to her about stuff to do and stuff..and I know she didn't mean it mean or nasty, but it stung. Like a thousand little daggers digging deep into my heart...I even teared up a bit...but suppressed the quickly (I'm such a suck) She said...well you haven't been able to get pregnant yet, I think I'll listen to the one that has gotten pregnant twice. :( She is not a mean person. I knew she didn't mean it that way, but man...did it hurt. I just wanted to scream at her...IT'S NOT MY FAULT!! But I didn't. Having fertility problems is not something you want to yell from the rooftops. It's so hard when they don't know. It definately makes me think twice before saying things like that to people...because I know just how tough it can be. :(

But what do you say to these people...how do you deal with them...how do you stop it from making you feel like you are such a failure at something that is supposedly supposed to be so easy??? It makes me want this to be it even more...but I'm just not feeling it...except for the high temps...I have nothing to go on. Unless hot flashes are suddenly a prego symptom!! LOL

Metformin is working!!

Well I definately think the metformin is working. I have never had such high post O temps...YIPPEE...I hope that that will be followed by a nice long period..(I need to have a longer one to really know that the met is working, and I'm getting a proper lining) (I guess maybe I should be careful what I wish for) And then next cycle I can start Fermara...definately on the right track to getting a BFP. I am probably going to test on Saturday, just to be sure...because we are taking a friend of mine's step brother (he has downs syndrome) but loves to dance, and turned 18 in February. I will probably want to have one drink, so I will want to make sure that I am not PG. (even though, I'm 99.9% sure I'm not...better safe than sorry)

Anyway...here's to hoping I get more high temps...:)

Frustrations

My blog is so boring...it seems like I have three of four good posts...and then complain, complain complain. I am so sorry girls. But I am yet again...FRUSTRATED.

I am trying to figure out how to get my fertility friend chart on my blog, but it doesn't seem to like me...so it hasn't been working. None the less...It's CD 27, and still no O in sight. I am so frustrated that I have to suffer through another LONG cycle before I can finally kick my body into shape. Anyway, some of the JM girls suggested that I go back to my dr. and ask for a Presciption for Provera...which would be awesome...but we are kinda strapped for cash right now. My pills were very expensive already, and we just bought a new shed.

We wouldn't be so strapped but about a month ago we loaned his cousin some money. She had a Still born birth (actually there is a little more to it than that, but a little too graphic for a blog) Unfortunately here, with a still born, because there is technically no heart beat, here in Canada they say, there was no baby. :( She couldn't go back to work, because they had to do an emergency C section, and was cut both ways. (vertically on the outside, horizontally on her uterus) She isn't even sure if she can still have kids. :( Needless to say, she got no compensation, and he only works in the summer time guiding up north for fishing. :( They were super strapped, and so we loaned them money. They will be paying us back in a couple of weeks, but in the mean time...we have to deal with what we have. :(

Unfortunately Provera is just not in the cards right now, so I just have to wait it out. And that's frustrating for me. :( Another 60 day cycle...sigh...

Anyway, sorry about the rant...AGAIN...I'm sure things will get better once I ovulate like a normal person, and I start the Fermara. At this point, I'm worried there is something wrong with one of my ovaries, and that's why I only Ovulate every second time. :(

I cheated...

I had a peice of chocolate today...I was feeling down...I needed a pick me up...it was just one hersey kiss...I was feeling like I gave up all these things, and have gotten nothing in return...I know, it's only been two weeks, give it some time...but I cheated...there you know. :)

I am a horrible person...

I love my JM girls...and I am so happy for all of them that have gotten their BFP, but I tried today, I really did to go on the graduates board...and look at some pictures, and try to feel happy for people, but I just can't...I broke down in tears. :( I really wish this stupid Metformin would stop messing with my hormones (but I guess that's what it's supposed to do right??) I am so happy for them, cause I know lots of them were trying a really long time, like me...but I'm so sad for me...(what a pathetic pity party...:( ) I should be able to look at pictures of other peoples babies, and be happy for them. I should be able to hang out with one of my very good friends, and not feel sad when I get home. She's pregnant with my nephew...and man, am I gonna love that little boy with ALL my heart...but I still feel sad. UGH...

Ok, I have to stop now...cause this is just making it worse...I'm sorry. :(

I'm sure most of this is in response to FF taking away my CH today...:( It just makes me feel like this cycle is NEVER going to end...

Five Times...

That's how many times I cried today. :( TTC is making me a complete emotional basket case. :(

It all started this morning...I couldn't find my Ipod...:( It was a first anniversary present from my DH (that was only two months ago, btw) and I was sure I had lost it. I went crazy...I was in tears...:( Like not just a little but like crazy upset that I had lost this little Ipod, and was sure it was gone forever. (On a side note, I found it after work...thank God!!)

Then I got to work, thinking it might be there, and it wasn't, so I started to feel bad again...and was crying at work, while I'm trying to be professional, and the big boss man was still at our work, and I have like glassy eyes...cause I'm on the verge of tears for most of the morning.

Then I get home, and I'm talking to DH about something, and he doesn't even really get upset with me, but disagrees with something I said, (and it was like super small, not even worth mentioning on a normal day) and I start crying...

And then there is one show that I watch...Grey's Anatomy, and I end up crying like three times in that (Ok, so maybe I cried six times)

I'm not saying I haven't always been an emotional person...cause I am pretty emotional. I always wear my feelings right out there on my sleeve for all to see. But to cry pretty much all day. I don't know if it is the anticipation of this being as long of a cycle as last cycle...or my fear that even though I have only been on the Metformin for a week and a half, it still doesn't seem to be doing ANYTHING for my body, that maybe PCOS isn't my REAL problem? I mean really...he didn't do ANY real tests. He just looked at me...looked at my chart and said...YEP, I think you have PCOS, and the chances of you having that and Endometriosis, even though my mom had it AND my grandma had it is slim. Maybe it's just the Met itself (is emotional one of the side effects??) I just don't know what to do or thing or anything anymore.

One more high temp and I get CH...but my prodiction is...tomorrow, my temp will be around 97.8. Seems to be a pattern.

CD 18

I'm not a patient person...I'm not going to lie about that...I try to be patient, and I'm patient when it comes to certain things...kids...(dealing with them I mean) patient...husband...patient (most of the time) family...patient...again most of the time...but waiting to O, or waiting for my body to smarten the heck up...NOT PATIENT!!!

I know that I have only been taking the metformin for one week, but I really think that something should have happened by now. :( I know, I know, I just have to be patient...I just want to get on to the next cycle when I'm pretty sure I'll actually O with the medical assistance. :(

Anyway, that's my complaint for the day!!!

Feeling Down

CD 15...

So, it's cycle day 15, and the one cycle that I charted that I had "normal" temps, my temp dropped drastically this day...today, it shot right up. :( I'm not sure why it would do this...I find it quite frustrating actually, especially since I started taking Metformin (mind you I did only start it four days ago, and I am on a very low dosage right now) but I was sure it would help...but it doesn't seem to be. It has made me super thirsty...(which of course is throwing off any possible OPK's I may have because my urine is SUPER diluted, it's like clear) It's like learning how to TTC again when you add a med.

On the plus side, my mom and dad will be in this weekend, and it promises to be a fun weekend. Garage saling with Mom tomorrow, and then supper at chop for Dad's birthday (his birthday is on Mothers day this year) It's gonna be a good weekend. I'm going to have to really practice will power since my dad loves to SNACK so I know there will be snacky things in the house this weekend. I'm really gonna have to use every ounce of strength that I have!!!!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Mothers Day!!!

Our Appointment

First of...I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my Dr. He is very proactive...and very knowledgable, and very informative.

My Dr. is 90% sure I have PCOS...Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

I am not 100% sure I remember exactly what he said about it, so I am going to do a lot more reading up on it...to remind myself of what he said. I do know that it has to do with my insulin. I produce too much insulin...and this in turn causes the ovaries to produce higher levels of androgens. (male hormones) We all have some male hormones, I just have more. This in turn has caused my very irragular periods, and ovulations.

He has prescribed me two different meds. Metformin, to try to regulate my insulin. I have started taked a half a tablet twice daily with food. Next week I will increase it to half a tablet three times daily with food. Then after that I increase it to the actual dosage which is three full tablets three times daily.

I also have been prescribed Femara. The more comman medication of this type is Clomid. It is to help me ovulate, and ovulate properly.

So the plan for now is...take the Metformin till I start a new cycle (if I start a new cycle...I'm not counting myself out this cycle yet...there should still be an O at some point, and I will do my best to catch that eggie) Then CD 1 next cycle, I'm to call the clinic, and try to schedule an HSG. A Hysterosalpingogram, which is an xray test that examines the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and surrounding area. He said that it might take a couple of cycles before I get in for this test, since there is a line up for it. On CD 2 I then have to go and get a bunch of blood drawn so they can take a bunch of tests and see how all my levels are. On CD 3 - 7 I take the Femara, I should ovulate 5-10 days after that. On CD 22 I go for another test to test my Progesterone. If all goes well, my Progesterone results will be good, and I ovulated, and could possibly be pregnant. :) I know the chances of it happening that fast is slim, but this definately give me hope.

I have a lot of hope that I will get a big fat positive in 2009, and have a baby in 2010. I am very excited for what the next cycles have to bring, and I continue to pray that this will be all that I need to fix the problems that I have. I will definately keep you all updated!!!!

CD 10

Specialist appointment tomorrow...I'm excited and nervous as I previously said.

I'm going to ask him about FF and the charts...I'm going to ask him if it is accurate when it gives you CH, or if we should keep BDing...once I get the temp rise...I'm bad for not BDing anymore, because I already O'd...what's the point...so to speak. I am NOT doing that this cycle. I'm going to ask him about my super long cycle...and my nervousness that this will also be a super long cycle. Although, I'm trying not to think about it too much, only because if I think about it, it is bound to delay it. I'm going to ask him about Provera, and Clomid. And I'm going to try to get some answers. I am going to explain to him my fears about Endometriosis...and how my mom AND my grandmother had it. I am going to ask him about weak eggies, and weak O's...I am going to see if I can get a progesterone test lined up, to see how stong my O actually is.

I am just a bundle of nerves, and DH seems to be just taking everything with a grain of salt, and letting it run off his back (so to speak) I'm assuming because he is pretty sure he is ok...(the only thing that was questionable was the amount of "normal" sperm) so it has to be me...and I guess that's what is making me so nervous.

On the other side of things, I am trying not to think about it by keeping busy, and this weekend was not an exception. I started to pull out the virgina creeper that has been growing on my fence. I just don't like it, and I think it is so ugly, I had to get rid of it.


I forgot to take a picture before I started, so this is part way done...you can see all the vines sitting on the grass.

I was totally shocked to discover how large the roots are...those are the big ones at the top...they went way down, and even across my yard...it was crazy!!!


This is it all cleaned up...there are still a few roots that I am sure I will have to do a couple of rounds of round up too, but I will nip it in the bud early...I'm sure it will be a constant battle for a while, but eventually, I WILL WIN!!! :)

That's about it...I'm a little sore today from trying to dig that silly thing out, but not bad...no pain no gain. Walking to work again tomorrow...trying for another three day week of walking. I lost the two pounds I was so upset about gaining early last week, so that's good, now I just need to lose more. :)

CD 6

I'm clearly feeling pains...right around where my O pains would be...weird...I don't think it's O pains...I don't see how that is possible...to O on CD 6 after not Oing till CD 50 whatever!!! UGH...

Either way...DH and I are BDing every second day...we have already started...(sorry TMI)

On another note...my dad is a hero...(sorry to all of the animal lovers)

If you are an animal lover...please be warned...you may not want to read beyond this point...there was no other way to deal with the situation, and I feel my dad did the best thing he could do.

I got an e-mail from my mom this morning...My neighbor (who is in her late 70's) and lives alone with her husband (that is even older, and fairly crippled up) was attacked by two pit bull dogs. She was taken to hospital and thankfully only required a few stitches in her face, and also had some cuts that didn't require stitches...My dad heard the noise from the shop (he is a mechanic, and his machanic shop is located on the land next to my parents house) He saw what was happening ran into the house to get my mom to call 911, and grabbed his gun. (They live in a small town, and my dad likes to deer hung, again sorry for the animal lovers, I am also an animal lover, but do enjoy eating deer meat as well, it was a large part of our winter meals, when times were tough) He got the dogs away from my neighbor, in the mean time, mom started calling families in the area with small children urgeing them NOT to let their kids leave for school, till the situation was under control. Being as we are in a small town (and my dad is the animal control officer) because the dogs were attacking humans, he had no choice but to stop the dogs with force. :( My dad was scheduled to be out of town on a service call, but had not left yet...and I think God that he was. The neighbor on the other side of their neighbor is also a single woman, in her late 70's. (again it is a small town where most of the people are older.) The police arrived 45 minutes later (another down side to living in small town Manitoba)

I found out after the fact that this is not the first time these dogs have attacked...last year, they attacked and killed a black lab that happened to wander into their yard.

The police shook my dad's had, as well as many others from the community. I am not usually one to encourage the killing of "pets" but these dogs were clearly dangerous.

My neighbor is doing ok...her husband and her are both fairly traumatised. (Her husband could hear her yelling for him to help her, but couldn't get to the door, and even if he could, there was really nothing he woudl be able to do.) Please remember them in your thoughts and prayers.

CD 5

A new cycle...you think that I would be so excited to be starting a new cycle...and having my specialist appointment in 6 days...but I'm not...I'm feeling quite down.

I enjoy my walks to work and back every day...but it gives me WAY too much time to think. To think of what could be...to think of what could not be. I am so ready for a baby...I debated on just doing it when the urge hit me, and seeing what happens with DH, but I want to keep temping so that I can give it to the fertility people, so they can see that I am TRYING to time things properly, and I am trying to get things going to where I need them to be, and I am trying to get pregnant...maybe trying too hard? Is there such a thing as trying too hard? I know that everything happens for a reason, and God has the perfect timing for everything, but when the heck is it MY time? My DH and I are in a solid relationship, I think we are doing quite well for ourselves...we are getting things done...getting our house in order, and still managing to save money. We work hard all the time, and we both have so much love for eachother, but still have enough to give out to a baby. (or two, or three, or four) Ok, maybe I'm going too far with four. LOL

And I also wonder...I have given up a lot to try to have a baby...(I guess I haven't totally given up) but have cut way back on my caffeine. I only have one cup of half caff every day, and have tried to cut down on my chocolate intake (cause that is also caffeine) I was not a smoker...I wasn't a huge drinker, but now only drink during AF (cause lets face it...we all need a little pick me up at that time) I have been trying to eat better, I am even trying to get my body in better shape so that it is ready to carry a baby...and yet, there are people who give up nothing (even after they are pregnant) and continue to smoke and do things they shouldn't do, but THEY have no problem having kids. Not that I would do that, because I wouldn't want to endanger the health of my child...but it makes me think, and it makes me wonder. How is God being fair in those situations. On one of the board in JM it talks about a mom whose kids are so sick because they are neglected, and she is a drug addict, and she has two kids...how is that fair? She doesn't even want her kids cause they are "sick all the time" and is trying to have her mom take care of them. (even though, I definately think that is definately the best for those kids) I have to wonder...how that's fair. There are tons of ladies, not just myself on JM that would be amazing mom's yet, they can't get PG...there is one girl there, that has been trying for like 3 years...3 YEARS!!! I can't even fathom. :(

Sigh...anyway, that is my rant for the day I really needed to get it off my chest. :( Sorry for being a Debbie Downer. :(

Not Feeling Well

I'm not sure if I'm in for a doosie of a AF or what is going on, but I feel like CRAP!!!

I'm super bloated...I still feel nauseous, it's just not a good day.

I am preparing myself for AF...I find it curious that my temp is going down already, since AF is not due till Monday...but I guess that's how it goes some times...I was told my LP should always be about the same length, so 14 days takes me to Monday...I just wonder (and trying not to get my hopes up, but my mind already knows I'm not PG and I still feel sick??) But maybe you can have a two day dip??

What am I thinking, that's just plain silly...LOL

Anyway...on the plus side...I walked to work again today...my left thigh is still hurting me a bit, but it is getting better!!!

I think maybe all the pain is just AF coming early...is it bad if your LP changes lengths??

Attempting to distract myself...

Ok...so it's now 7 DPO...I never thought I would get to this point...lol...I thought I would be in the never ending cycle forever!! LOL...

I am trying really hard not to get my hopes up...because I don't think that I am PG...but of course...FF gave me a HIGH chance of being PG...and I have been feeling super emotional and tired...and so I am trying to distract myself because I refuse to test unless AF doesn't show...and that isn't till next Monday...YIKES...that's a whole 7 days from now...I just want to get started on a new cycle. :)

So what can I do to distract myself...??? I have no idea...lol...

I have an Epicure party on Wednesday, so that will be good for then...and I will need to do some cleaning tomorrow night for the party, so that will be good for tomorrow night, so I guess I just have to get through tonight, and then I will be a.o.k...until after Wednesday, and then it's back to WAY too much time on my hands. LOL...

Anyway, that's about it...:)

A huge weight has been lifted off!!!!

I just got the most exciting phone call I have gotten in a long time. I got a call from the fertility clinic...they had a cancellation...we go in for our appointment May 4th. I had two choices, May 4th, or tomorrow.

I picked May 4th for a couple of reasons...

# 1 - I should know what this cycle is doing by then...if anything

# 2 - There are some guys away at my work, so to try and go tomorrow would be hard

Just having the appointment, I feel so relieved, I feel so much better...even knowing that it doesn't mean that they will find the problem right away, or anything like that, but maybe, just maybe, I can finally get some answers...(and if this cycle hasn't finished by then, then they should be able to give me something to be able to make AF start so I have another chance...) I hope the girls on JM are right though, and the two higher temperatures means that I have O'd. 19 more sleeps till my appointment.

It's strange how one phone call, can change your outlook so much, and take your depressed mood, and make it more managable. It still sucks, cause I was hoping for a BFP before the specialist appointment, but I also thought the earliest I would get in was going to be July!!! YIPPEE!!!

Super Scared...

I am absolutely terrified to wake up and temp tomorrow. I am so scared my temp is going to go back down. I am so worried that I am going to wake up and is going to plumment again tomorrow...That I'm going to go back to square one...but the EWCM is gone...and the O pains are gone, I'm pretty sure they were O pains anyway...and my temp was up this morning...the highest it has been since I got my BBT. But I'm still terrified...and I think if I don't get my fears down somewhere then I don't think I will be able to sleep, and that in itself will mess up my temps.

Thought #1...what am I going to do if my temp is down?

• see if there is a reason for it to be down
• try not to get too bummed out
• call my dr...there has to be something we can do to get this show on the road. :(
• think about calling the fertility clinic...again
• have a small pity party to myself this morning breifly before DH gets up?

Thought #2...what am I going to do if my temp is up?

• have a small party to myself before DH wakes up, and then share with him later, because he has been taking a lot larger interest in me getting pg than he has before. (not that he wasn't taking part...he has just started asking more questions...trying to get to know my body...see if he can help me in any way that he can.)
• try to decide what I can do to hopefully not have this happen again. (continue walking and losing weight)
• Decide if I am going to take EPRO next cycle...because even though I am unsure if that is why this took so long, it's the only thing I did different this cycle and I have to consider that.

Thought #3...am I really ok it's not going to happen this cycle...or am I going to get a small peice of false hope if my temp does stay up.

This is the big one.

But I think I'm ok...I'm not expecting it if my temp does stay up. There was just way too much stress involved in this cycle...I'm already over the year mark...I'm already over the possibility of having a baby in 2009...I think it will be ok...I am just glad that if it does stay up, it has to stay up just one more day...and then I have my CH.

Wish me luck.

Day 54...

I am starting not to read my blog cause it is getting so depressing. I will not post on JM anymore in my journal about negative things...I feel like my journal is beginning to be a drag to some people, and I don't even think they look at it anymore. I don't even want to look at it anymore, but somehow, I have to get my feelings out...and I'm sure my small following of the three, don't mind if I get some things off my chest.

I was feeling very positive about yesterday...I am no longer feeling as positive. I had a VERY close to positive OPK...the darkest I've ever seen one turn with my urine...and then today...barely even a line...sigh...My body geared up, only to let me down yet again...I haven't lost total hope mind you...I guess techincally, I could have O'd today, and then I wouldn't have much of a surge today....All I can do is hope...pray...pray with all my might that tomorrow...I have a temp rise...it doesn't have to be much...just enough, three days in a row so that I can get CH so I can finally see an end in sight.

A light at the end of the tunnel...

I took an OPK today...I figured if I missed a cycle...then technically in the next couple of days here, I should be Oing...(I don't know if it is normal to miss cycles...but I'm not focusing on that one A.T.M (at the moment) I got probably the closest thing to a +'ive OPK I have ever gotten...it was pretty darn dark...and that gives me hope...I'm hoping not false hope...because of the EWCM DH and I have been BDing as much as possible...I'm hoping that I O in the next couple of days before DH gets too tired...or that the EWCM would go away to stop giving me false hope. Keep your fingers crossed for me...even if I miss the eggie...at least I will O and be able to have a fresh new start...I am trying to determine if I should quit the evening primerose, since it is the only thing that I have done different in this cycle, and it seems to be taking a long time for O to come....I really hope that this is it...that my body would do something...anything...let me know it's still alive in there. I will keep you posted...

Should Clarify my last post

I am very happy for my friend that got PG without trying...:) I am happy she is going to be a mom...but I was just having a pity party for me. :)

Oops...someone did it again...

I just found out that another friend of mine is pregnant by accident. They weren't even trying. :( sigh...what a sh***y week.

CD 50.....AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

I just want to scream.

I want to sit here at my computer and just scream at the top of my lungs until I O or AF comes...and then I want to cry.

I am tired of being positive...I am tired of being patient, I am tired of my stupid Dr. that won't do a blessed thing for me...and I am tired of waiting for the stupid fertility clinic to get back to me...(going on two months now since the referal) I'm just tired.

I've been lurking on JM, but not commenting...not posting...it's just too depressing...everyone is moving forward, and I'm stuck. I'm stuck in limbo, not knowing when (or if) I'm going to O, or when AF is going to decide that she wants to finally show up. Don't take it the wrong way, I am still checking in on my girls...and am definately hoping for the best for them, but when the roll call comes, and the only thing that has changed for me is that I am now at CD 50 instead of CD 30, it's depressing.

I checked my cervix today, and it was hard. I'm hoping that that means that AF will be here soon...I was so sure I was going to O yesterday. I was sure I was having O pains...I have never been so sure of anything in my life...but then this morning, my temp was lower, not higher, and now my cervix is hard. Why the heck won't my ovaries let my little eggies go? These pains were on my right side, and close to when I was supposed to O at my normal time, I thought I was having O pains on my left side. Maybe I don't even know what O pains feel like. That's my rant for today...I wish I had more positive things to say...

I have walked to work 3 of the 4 days of work this week though...:) That's something positive. I just hope I stop getting shin splints soon.

A Good Idea!!!

This was sent to me on my e-mail...seems like a good idea to me. ;) Chocolate Cake at our finger tips...any time of the day or month. ;)

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE

4 tablespoons flour

4 tablespoons sugar

2 tablespoons cocoa

1 egg

3 tablespoons milk

3 tablespoons oil

3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)

A small splash of vanilla extract

1 large coffee mug

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well.

Add the egg and mix thoroughly.

Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.

Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again. Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.

The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!

Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.EAT! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).

And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world ?

Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!

Scrap Booking this Weekend

I had a really great weekend Scrapbooking with my mom and aunt and my aunt's friends. :) We had a blast, we did some swimming, some shopping, and of course lots of visiting and laughing...it was a little much to scrap book for an entire weekend...I have never done that before, but it was fun, and mom had fun too, and the important thing is that we had fun together. :) I am going to try to post the pictures on my blog, but since I haven't done this before, I'm not sure how it will work....
I scrap booked the honeymoon, and started to scrap book our trip to BC...no worries...the honeymoon is G rated. ;) The pictures aren't that clear, but you will get the general idea..I'm not the greatest Scrap booker, but I sure try...and I have fun at it. :)
This is obviously the first page of the honey moon...It has our wedding date, and the words you can't see says...two hearts, two lives, join together in one love. :) That was the veiw off our balcony.
It was sunny and snowed...the two squares on the left, one has a K (for my DH's name) and an M (for my name) This page is just of things we saw on our honey moon that we thought were neat...It's not exciting, but it reminds me of the week. The heart is made out of sand left over from our sand ceremony, and the flower is made out of the flowers my flower girl threw down the aisle as I walked down it. :)
This last page is my favorite of the pages I did for our honey moon. I have two very nice sunsets, and some pictures a friend of ours took for us when they came on the last day. What you can't see in the top right hand corner is a verse...it says...

I love you not only for what you are
But for what I am when I am with you
I love you not only for what you have made of yourself
But for what you are making of me.
I love you for that part in me you bring out.
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

This entry is really long...I think I will post the BC scrap booking pages later. :) I may be doing more of it lately, maybe this long weekend...to try and keep my mind off my never ending cycle...

Did I mention I am at CD 47...(a record I'm sure) I'm two weeks late, with no sign of O or AF...I thought she was going to come this weekend...but nope...she didn't...:( I am just going to try and wait a bit longer...and then I will go see my dr, and see if he can maybe help with that.

Later!!

CD 40...

I don't remember the last time I had a CD40...this is craziness...

There was no good news from the Dr. unfortunately. He said that he didn't feel comfortable prescribing the Clomid...and so I will have to wait for the fertility clinic. I was devestated on Saturday, I cried all the way home...which btw...is really hard to do while you are driving. I came home to DH and he asked me what he said...and I told him, and he shook his head. I wish it wasn't so hard here to find a Dr. cause then I would be asking for a second opinion. I have tried to look at it from the bright side. From looking at my chart...I HAD to have O'd last month...I see no other way around it really...just later in my cycle than I had always expected. If I can convince my body to O again, then I may even be able to do it before I get into the fertility clinic. From now until AF comes, I am going to be searching the internet on ways to help me O...if anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to help.

Some of my JM girls say I'm so brave, I'm so strong...I'm really not...I'm really a big baby...but I'm trying. And if I get down and out, cause that's where I will be if I let myself get there, then what good will I be at that point anyway?

I have been thinking more about quitting caffeine....I have heard that it really effects your fertility. I'm gonna do more looking into it though...but I am going to do whatever I can...even lose weight...which I know that I should be doing as well. I am starting to walk to work tomorrow...and gonna do every day this week, except Friday...that gives me 40 minutes of exercise for 3 days...that's gotta start something going. And some weight coming off...I'm going to buy a scale...I don't have one, so that I can try to track it better. I'm also going to have to give up my favorite thing chocolate...maybe not totally, but it has a lot of caffeine in it...I have to do my best to try and get this going on my own since no one else seems to be willing to help me right now. :(

A HUGE Mistake. :(

I'm just feeling so down lately. Not Oing is not a good feeling...:(

So...because I have been feeling down...and I'm really trying to put on a brave face, but I needed to talk to someone...I needed to have a real hug from someone and have someone tell me, it's gonna be ok...as much as I love my JM girls...a virtual hug is just not gonna cut it this time. :( So last night, I tried to talk to a couple of my RL friends, but they just passed over it...I dropped hints...I did everything but say...hey look, I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but this is really bugging me and I really just need to talk about it. :( So now I feel even MORE down than ever. Don't get me wrong...My husband is very understanding, and he gives me a hug and tells me it's gonna be ok all the time, but it's just different when it's a girl friend. Like she would understand it better...you know? I just hope my appointment goes fine on Saturday, and I really hope he gives me something to ovulate...although, I still have to convince AF to show up. :(

We are having supper with my parents tomorrow, but then I plan on just relaxing after that...curling up with a good book maybe. :)

It's been a while...

March 24, 2009

I know it has been a while since I have updated my blog. Mostly because there hasn't really been anything that has been going on...but I do feel like I need to get some things off my mind now...and just need to get them down. It is my second month temping. I am at CD34...no days past ovulation...some how...it skipped me this cycle...and I'm left waiting to either finally O, or for AF to show. While sitting and waiting to O, I came to a few realizations.

#1 - by not getting PG this cycle...I am not going to be TTC for over a year. :( I knew it would be hard...I knew it wasn't going to happen overnight, but I did think it would happen with in the year.

#2 - I will not be a mom in 2009. Getting PG this cycle...meant my due date would be in December...from here on out, it's 2010, and from sitting where I'm sitting, 2010 seems SO far away. :(

I am also waiting still to get into the fertility clinic. I called them yesterday, and they told me that they have gotten my referral, and are just waiting for the schedules for July to December, to see when I will have my appointment....WHAT...ARE YOU KIDDING ME...JULY TO DECEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I made a decision, and am going to try to get Clomid from my GP on Saturday. I need something, or I'm gonna go insane. :(

I love the girls at my message board...they are all so amazing...they are so encouraging, and so understanding...but for the last few weeks, I have been beginning to feel like I am going to be the only one in that TTC board. :( There has been tons of BFP, and I am so excited for each and every one of them....some of them haven't been trying long, some have been trying a little bit longer...but each and every one of them are going to be great mothers...but I am feeling so alone...I just needed to get my fears out here...I don't want to make the girls there feel bad, because I love them, and I love how encouraging they are...but they are all getting to leave me. :( I know selfish...I just hope that I can join them soon.

Hopefully it won't be so long before I am back to update again. :)

I wonder...

February 18, 2009

I have to wonder...does our body act weird because we are paying attention, or do we notice it because we are paying attention.

I thought my cycle was ALWAYS exactly the same. AF would come every 30-32 days, and would come with a vengence. My boobs would hurt for 3-5 days before she showed as a nice little warning sign that she was coming, and then would be gone, just as fast as she came. One thing TTC has taught me...my cycle NEVER seems to be the same.

This past cycle is no exception, and I do think it is the weirdest cycle yet. My temp went down this morning, so I was like ok...here we go, here comes AF, I need to go to work prepared. "Supplies" ...... check ..... Tylonel in case the cramps get to be too much ..... check ..... granny panties (come on admit it...we all have those special pairs of underware that hide at the back of our drawer, until they are taken out once a month because they have been dog eared as our AF panties) ..... check. All ready to go...prepared for the worst.

So today, I have had mild cramping...(very mild in comparison to what I usually get) I went to go pee one time at work, and I had spotting...spotting...at the beginning...no open the flood gates, here comes the waves...but spotting. Weird...then I noticed...wait a minute...my boobs don't even hurt, and they haven't for the last few days...DOUBLE WEIRD This has definately been the weirdest month of my cycles ever...

So I am forced to wonder...has it always been like that, or has paying close attention to my body scared it into acting weird??? LOL....

Hope all is well with you!!

February 17th, 2009

I know it's been a while since I blogged..so this may be a long entry.

So the last I think was my Dr. appointment. The rest of the week was fairly uneventful. Nothing happened on Thursday or Friday. My husband was out of town Thursday night, and so I made popcorn shrimp and perogies for supper. My husband only eats fresh pickerel for fish, or fish sticks, so it was a good day to have it, since I know he won't eat it. Man was it good. :) I have been wanting it again, and maybe will buy some for reserve for when I have friends over or something that will eat sea food. :)

Friday I had a cousin's birthday party, that was fun...even though I was still on call...by the way, have I mentioned that I have been on call since January 30th? It's been a long hall...hopefully they hire someone for that other position so that they can help with the phone...I'm not really up fot this 24 hour a day thing. :)

Saturday was Valentines day. I got a dozen pink roses, and a large Toblerone Candy...flowers and chocolate...does my husband know me or what. :) I got him Nascar 2009 for the Xbox...I know him too...and I made a wonderful lasogna. But man, now I know why I have never made it before...what a hassle. LOL...I made it right from scratch...Make the meat sauce...simmer for 45 minutes...make the layers...cook for another 45 - 60 minutes...I started making supper at 3 and we ate at 6:30. LOL...it's hilarious...but it was well worth it...for once a year. :) I also made the red lobster biscuits...you can bet I'll be making them again!!! :) YUMMY!!

Sunday and Monday (because Monday was a holiday here) were totally slack days. I went and saw Paul Blart Mall Cop with a couple of friends...I thought it was really funny, and the rest of the time, I hung out with my husband...:) It was a nice long weekend.....

Now getting back to the TTC stuff...I'm sure AF is gonna start any day now...with all the did I O...did I not O stuff...I'm pretty sure we missed the window...I just wish she would hurry up and get here already. I want to move on to next cycle...I want to try again. :) She is just trying to frustrate me...unfortunately...she seems to be winning on most days. :) But I wonder...how long I should wait till she shows...I mean there is that one percent chance...but nah...I couldn't be...this is the argument I have every day...LOL...I will probably wait till next week...or the weekend...the weekend will make it my longest period ever, so I will test then...as far as I know, I have no symptoms...except the ones where I seem to be making myself feel sick in the afternoon's and evenings again, which is weird cause mornings are fine...kind defeats the purpose of calling it morning sickness don't you think??

Talk to you soon!!

February 11, 2009

Strangly enough...I'm starting to feel better....

I had my Dr. appointment today. He looked at my info, asked me some questions, and refered me to a fertility clinic here in the city. I guess here in Canada we are lucky, because lots of this stuff is covered through our provincial medical system. I feel better that things are starting to get going. DH is taking a sample in on Tuesday, so that will be done. The down side is that it takes a few months to get into the clinic. The positive side, is it will give me more time to temp and figure out what the heck my body is up to. I'm buying OPK's off line, and buying a BBT instead of a regular thermometer. Steps have been taken to try and figure out my problem. He did mention that it may be that I need Clomid to force myself to ovulate. I know that I have seen other girls here on it, and I am going to have to stock some journals and things to see how it works, and if it seems to work. Still hoping and praying that this month was a fluke, and next month I will O. :)

I guess I never thought when I first started TTC and I had a cycle, and it was semi regular that all I have to do is nail down the timeing...I never thought that there could be something wrong with me...and then the small idea of not Oing...which is necessary for making a baby, I was devestated...totally crushed. Like lots of people, I am sure, one of your biggest dreams was to be a mom. To feel like I was having that dream taken away from me...I'm not going to lie...I tend to go to the worst possible ever scenerio right off the bat. I guess if i go worst case scenario, and then it turns out NOT to be wrost case scenario, then I'm not as sad, and even kinda happy and releived...and I guess that's what happened today. I have been up and down and up and down...cross hairs...no cross hairs...I'm glad I had my appointment, because now I just feel like such a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I have the girls at JM to thank for helping me through the hard time...

I need to go to bed now, but pleaes keep me in your T and P as there is a long wait, and hopefully I can get in soon....

February 9, 2009

Well I am anticipating a couple of things...

#1 - tomorrow morning's temp. This morning when I put my temp in on fertility friend (it was a little lower than yesterday morning, and fertility friend changed my O date. I'm not only 3 DPO...confusing. I'm worried that if my temp does not go up tomorrow morning, that it was a fluke temp, and FF is going to take away my cross hairs...the only hope that I have that I even O'd.

#2 - My doctors appointment. I have an appointment that I made for Wednesday, and as happy as I am to find some answers, I'm also very scared. I know that it is a good thing that I am going to the dr, and I will get some of the answers that I need, but there is always that fear of what those answers are goign to be...you think the worst, and then worry about it actually being the worst. It's kinda a catch 22. The good thing is, if I don't ovulate all the time, then there are medications you can take for that. Although, if I do usually O this late, I think I have missed my O almost every time, because like lots of people just starting out, I thought I O'd by the book.

The promotion thing, I'm not sure if I am going to take. I am still deciding on whether or not I will apply for it. There are some situations with some of the guys at my work, that I'm not sure I want to be the front "man" for. I am weighing the pros and cons, and will go from there. They haven't posted to job yet, so I do still have some time to think about it.

That's it for today...I am making Manicotti on Saturday for Vday, so I will post the receipe and pictures on Sunday...it's a good receipe, and I think it's really good. :)

February 8, 2008

So FF told me today that I actually O'd 4 days ago?? It's so weird because if I did O, then wouldn't I be dried up, and I'm not....

I'm still keeping my appointment with the dr...and I'm gonna get checked out cause something just doesn't seem right...It just seems weird that nothing seems to be going the way it should...you know the textbook way. Hopefully the dr. will have some answers for me, and I will be able to keep TTC next cycle...even if it is with medical help.

February 4, 2009

Instead of starting with TTC, I'm going to go right to my other news...My boss at my work got the other job. So he will be moving positions! It's exciting and scary all at once. I will be applying for his position, but am very nervous about it. I have learned so much from him since he came back from sick leave, that I don't really want him to change positions, but I am excited about the opportunity for advancement at my work. I was talking to another one of the guys that works with us, and he said that he thinks that I would be the best canditate to take over his position, so we will wait and see what happens. I just hope I have the right answers and stuff when it comes time for interviews and stuff.

Anyway, as far as TTC goes, nothing has changed. My temp is exactly the same as it was yesterday, so no rise yet...I am getting kinda scared, cause they say that the eggie needs 4-10 days for implantation, and most of my cycles are 30 days long (my last one was longer, but that's not the norm, and it usually isn't longer for two months in a row) Mind you, doesn't everyone always say, TTC will definately make your body to the out of the ordinary. And you will have tons of firsts once you start TTC. I wonder though if your body really has all these firsts, or we just notice them more because we are paying attention? Anyway, back to the topic, my worry is that with needing 4 - 10 days for implantation, and me already at CD 20...is there time for the eggie to implant? Just a thought! I think I only have one person reading my blog...LOL...so I hope you are enjoying it.

Marci

February 3, 2009

Ok...so I'm really trying to be positive...I really am...but it is not easy. :( I guess mostly, I'm mad at myself. I guess that I wish that I had known about all this temping and checking CM and stuff before like back when we first started TTC. Or at least in September when we first moved into the house, and found out that things just weren't working. I am trying not to be mad at myself. I assumed everything will be ok. I just assumed that it would just happen for me. Anyway, enought about that...I'm being positive. :)

I don't know if there is anyone that actually reads this blog, but if there is...and if you live in Canada, do you know where you can find OPK. I can only find two different kinds at Walmart...both of which are almost $40.00, and that only comes with 7 tests. When I tried using them this cycle...I didn't get a for sure +. It got really close, but the test line was never as dark or darker than the line that is already there. So I'm pretty sure I missed the actual surge, cause it went back down slowly to the stark white OPK. Also I am looking for a BBT thermometer. I again looked at Walmart, and couldn't find anything.

On the plus side...I may be getting a different job at work. My boss has applied for a job that someone had retired from at the end of December. So his job will be open. I'm going to apply for it, but I haven't been there very long, so I don't know if I will get it, but I guess I will just have to wait and see. The weather has warmed up, so work is not nearly as busy as it was about a month ago. It's nice to have a bit of a break.

That's it for today...tomorrow is HUMP Day!!! YIPPEE!!!

February 2, 2009

So...I definately know now from my experience this month, I have a very short LH surge...if I have one at all. I'm really worried at this point that I don't Ovulate. I look at everyones charts, and they have this very nice big temperature rise...and me...I am going up by .1 each day for the last two days!! It's really scary to me to think that I don't ovulate...because that's definately necessary in order to make a baby, and it makes me feel kinda silly that I have been trying so hard all this time, for no apparent reason. I am going to wait till AF comes, and then I am going to go talk to my dr...take a copy of my chart if I can, and see what he thinks...I mean I did get pretty dark in the OPK, but didn't get as dark or darker than the test strip, and today we are back to the almost none existant line. :(

Other than that, my day today was fine. DH is sick, which sucks, but hopefully he will feel better soon. Got to go for now.

First Blog Entry

February 1, 2009

First blog entry. I have never been a blogger before...in fact, the word blogger is kinda funny...is that what it's called? Anyway, I have decided to try blogging to try to get my mind off of TTC...although, chances are...most things posted in this blog will be about TTC.

Let me start at the beginning for those of you that may not know me. My name is Marci, and I am 30 years old. My husband's name is Kelly and he is turning 32 at the end of the month. We had dated for almost 4 years by the time we got married, which we did on March 29, 2008. Coming up on our one year anniversary.

We started TTC slightly before the wedding, mind you, at the time we were living with his uncle, so that made it difficult definately. On September 1, 2008 we finally got our own house, and of course have been trying even harder now at TTC. I love our cute little house, and I love that we have our own place, and I love that we are TTC...what I don't love is that we are being unsuccessful. :( I guess you are caught up.

This is my first cycle that I have been pulling out all the stops. OPK's, Temping, checking CM...and some things that I have discovered I like, while others...not so much. :( I am worried now that I don't O, and of course, I will know in a couple of days, but the OPK's that I chose, were not very successful for me. I will continue to test I guess until my temp jumps up, but I am not expecting to see a surge...so we will see. DH and I had BMS this morning, and I'm going to try to get him again this evening, just in case I do O or have O'd or want to O I guess. I will keep you updated...(as long as I can figure out how to get back here!! :)