CD 5

A new cycle...you think that I would be so excited to be starting a new cycle...and having my specialist appointment in 6 days...but I'm not...I'm feeling quite down.

I enjoy my walks to work and back every day...but it gives me WAY too much time to think. To think of what could be...to think of what could not be. I am so ready for a baby...I debated on just doing it when the urge hit me, and seeing what happens with DH, but I want to keep temping so that I can give it to the fertility people, so they can see that I am TRYING to time things properly, and I am trying to get things going to where I need them to be, and I am trying to get pregnant...maybe trying too hard? Is there such a thing as trying too hard? I know that everything happens for a reason, and God has the perfect timing for everything, but when the heck is it MY time? My DH and I are in a solid relationship, I think we are doing quite well for ourselves...we are getting things done...getting our house in order, and still managing to save money. We work hard all the time, and we both have so much love for eachother, but still have enough to give out to a baby. (or two, or three, or four) Ok, maybe I'm going too far with four. LOL

And I also wonder...I have given up a lot to try to have a baby...(I guess I haven't totally given up) but have cut way back on my caffeine. I only have one cup of half caff every day, and have tried to cut down on my chocolate intake (cause that is also caffeine) I was not a smoker...I wasn't a huge drinker, but now only drink during AF (cause lets face it...we all need a little pick me up at that time) I have been trying to eat better, I am even trying to get my body in better shape so that it is ready to carry a baby...and yet, there are people who give up nothing (even after they are pregnant) and continue to smoke and do things they shouldn't do, but THEY have no problem having kids. Not that I would do that, because I wouldn't want to endanger the health of my child...but it makes me think, and it makes me wonder. How is God being fair in those situations. On one of the board in JM it talks about a mom whose kids are so sick because they are neglected, and she is a drug addict, and she has two kids...how is that fair? She doesn't even want her kids cause they are "sick all the time" and is trying to have her mom take care of them. (even though, I definately think that is definately the best for those kids) I have to wonder...how that's fair. There are tons of ladies, not just myself on JM that would be amazing mom's yet, they can't get PG...there is one girl there, that has been trying for like 3 years...3 YEARS!!! I can't even fathom. :(

Sigh...anyway, that is my rant for the day I really needed to get it off my chest. :( Sorry for being a Debbie Downer. :(